I am still torn between cheating on him, and being the faithful, patient, loving douche of a girlfriend I have always been.

He makes outrageous demands of me. Never be alone with a guy, never be in the passenger seat if a guy friend is driving, never accept a guy’s car ride, never stay out after 11pm. You get the picture. I am not sure I am ready to commit to his every whim that rises out of jealousy.

Not when I still see glimpses of that bushy fox tail.

Maybe I am reading too much into his behaviour, or maybe this is what they call the self-fulfilling prophecy, or everything is just a figment of my imagination — the latter being an excuse I gave myself some three months ago, but everything turned out to be uncannily as I ‘imagined’. I want to trust him now that he claims to be reformed, but there’s no way I can immediately forget all that has happened. Can people change?

One minute I want to hurt him like he hurt me, the next, I just want to go after something for self gratification, but most of the time, I know my guilt will get the better of me. I always end up telling him every little unnecessary detail. What if I am not the nice, thoughtful girl that friends and I make me out to be? What if I am intrinsically manipulative?

There was a year that I loved people. Everyone was a character in each day. Everyone had a role, a superficial appearance and a story behind the face. No one was average. And then, like how I lost my desire to be coherent and organized when it comes to expressing thoughts as words; I lost my passion for the individual. I never want to write about people again. I refuse refuse refuse to give in to the rose-tinted glasses of creative writing, and give each stranger the benefit of the doubt. Why should I be the only few who believes that people are intrinsically good? I am tired of being optimistic about people, myself included.

Maybe we are both too young to commit. Maybe we both need to go out there and wreak havoc on ourselves before we can learn or decide on what’s important to us.

Maybe maybe maybe maybe. Indecision drives me mad. But thank god I found the magic of honey for sleep, jojoba oil for hair, and vaseline for eyelashes — my life is 23% near perfection.